Children as our awakeners

Sometimes our children awaken us to our behaviors, our obsessions and addictions. Similarly, they bring our attention, our anxiety, need for perfection, and desire for control. They show us how difficult is for us to be in the present moment, they show us how difficult it is for us to be authentic. It's in how our children act and react to us, and how we act and react to them, that , if we are willing, we are able to see our unconsciousness.

The conscious parenting approach, is telling us that by shifting the focus away from the child and making conscious changes as parents, we have the opportunity to make real improvements in our relationship parents/children. By checking our thoughts and feelings in the moments we receive every not desired reaction from our children, we will start discovering behavioral patterns that maybe start in our childhood and today flourish as a reaction of our own fears, not our child's behavior.

Most parents mistakes start with our fears for our children not being able to have the future we want for them: have good grades, be with the right crowd, eventually have a salary and be able to take healthy decisions in life. We start pushing our children to do all kinds of activities to be "well prepared" for college: become involved in sports, social activities, dance, singing, playing an instrument, etc and when children jump from one activity to another, the activity itself becomes undesirable, and many times we become frustrated when our child disengages from the sport or instrument they had chosen initially.

I lived that experience with my own child: I absolutely love horses and riding them - it feels to me as a very natural pleasure - it gives me an adrenaline I can only feel when riding a horse at full speed. I wanted my child to have the same experience in life. I learned to ride when I was a child, on my parents farm; a very free approach and relationship with the animal - everything was about me and the horses. My family left the decision to me - I just followed some instructions on how to hold the reins and how to stop the horse etc. On the other hand, my child started by taking riding classes with coaches that would tell him exactly what to do with the horse at every single moment, how to sit on the horse, where to put each hands or legs etc. I visualized him as a future rider in some competition, yet did not realize at some point that my child was not enjoying that moment at all and he was making zero connection with the horse; he was just pleasing me - I eventually asked him to quit the classes and he agreed.

I guess the most assertive approach as parents is to have the real intention to know our children for what they are right now and stop projecting on them our own desires and beliefs.

Our challenge: accept them as they are, believe in them, foster the idea of discovering themselves without limitations and let them discover their own interests and the way to live their life. On that journey, we must enter their current state and respond to it with total openness. We need to ask ourselves - " Do I really know who my child is? Can I create the space within myself to know my child better?" To do this will require focusing on your children's presence, freeing yourself of all distractions, especially no phone in your hand. And push yourself to learn and not to react when interacting with your child.